Same goes for someone who’s not over their divorce and has beliefs that affect their ability to be committed.I personally know people who have gotten together while one party was separated, and in one case the wife refused to sign so they had to wait for it to lapse and got married as soon as it did a few years later, and in the other instances where it worked out, there was no faffing about with the divorce, Future Faking etc.I get so many emails asking me about whether to date someone who is separated, recently divorced, or even fresh out of a breakup that I wanted to tackle this tricky subject.
Yes it’s a ‘risk’ but it’s little more risk than in any other dating situation. Don’t assume that because you’re being pursued or that there’s certain future talk that it ‘must’ mean that they’re over their ex and ready for a relationship. don’t assume that because they’re separated or divorced that have a Ph D in commitment or that you’ll get the same. You remember what it’s like in those first few days, weeks and even months depending on how long the relationship went on for – you may still have been in touch, arguing, negotiating, or even hooking up. You can of course chance your arm but then you have to back away when it becomes clear that the ex files haven’t been closed. If you’ve already determined your boundary on this issue, don’t bust it, I know of quite a few people who were told to wait and come back when they’d had some more time/got divorced. Most people go through a breakup or few, and it’s not a ‘flaw’ to be separated or divorced hence there’s no reason to go Some relationships and marriages don’t work out.
Now of course, a person who is avoiding their feelings will just find someone else to avoid them with but somebody who is genuinely interested in you and wants to start off on a good footing won’t mind respecting your wishes – at least they’ll know that they’re pursuing something with you because it’s they want to be with as opposed to seeking a distraction that’s going to backfire when they realise that they’re unavailable. Of course some people are separated or even divorced numerous times due to shady behaviour or due to a tad too much Fast Forwarding but that’s stuff you’ll find out through due diligence, possibly quite quickly if you have your feet on the ground and are listening and watching. I know of somebody who is getting married for the fifth time and is doing their best to hide it from their family including their own children – yeah, clearly they haven’t grown or learned a damn thing from their previous marriages. Don’t enter into an involvement with your emotional airbag inflated.
I bumped into him recently and he was a little drunk but all over me.
I admit to pushing him to make a few dates along the way but have never text or called him before he has done so.
What you have to keep in mind is that separated is still married until the divorce is finalised and that means that there’s likely to be emotional as well as legal ties.
It would be handy if we could avoid the vulnerability that comes with doing the due diligence and taking appropriate action where needed.
I informed him that I wasn’t happy with the way things were going between us and suggested I give him some space which he agreed to.
He said he would text me when ‘his head was sorted’. I’ve had a few texts since but nothing to indicate that we are getting back together.
What we forget is that even if a person hasn’t just exited a relationship, aside from knowing our own boundaries (which can rule out certain things that we’ve already made a decision on in advance of), we cannot get all of the answers upfront or have someone tell us what ‘the ending’ will be.
Each situation is different but what you can say with a high degree of certainty is that someone who’s just fallen out of their marriage, who’s still in reconciliation negotiations, who’s still very influenced by their spouse, and who has been separated for a long time ‘just because’, is going to bring pain into your life.
If your interest tends to get piqued by being a ‘buffer’ to someone who is transitioning, it would be more beneficial to evaluate why this is attractive to you.